The following are excerpts from resumes or cover letters.

(Editorial comments in Italics)

 

 

“ My name is Jane Doe. I am a 28 year old aspiring Food Diva.”

 

“Hello; I am courageous as if you do placements for Executive Chefs and or Food and Beverage Managers?”

 

From a cook just out of culinary school applying for an Executive Sous Chef position in a 200 seat restaurant. (who puts these ideas into their heads?):

”The following qualifications
       Knowledge of stocks and sauces                  
       Exposed to French and California cuisine and other types of fusion
       Able to handle multiple tasks at once
       Able to take charge when needed”

 

Chef John Doe

Anything but Ordinary

(Now that’s just what the average employer wants – an employer who is so aware of his superiority to all around him that he begins his introduction with it in cursive script).

 

''I've just relocated to the area and am looking for the perfect chef position. My resume is attached."

(The quote from Helen Hunt’s mother in  “As Good As it Gets comes to mind: But that’s what everybody wants, Darling. It doesn’t exist.”)

 

RÉSUMÉ

Joe B Dokes

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Present :French Restaurant in Bay Area                          California, USA

o       Chef & Manager

o       Payroll and Training of staff

Set-up of new menu’s for lunch and dinner, webmaster

 

I could tell you where I work and how long, but then I’d have to kill you. This appears to be this candidate’s first culinary position ever, which has lasted for perhaps a year. He is applying for executive chef.

 

My Focus:

 

“TO EXERCISE MY SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE IN OPERATING A HIGH QUALITY AND PROFITABLE DINING FACILTY IN A MANNER THAT CONFORMS TO THE CUSTOMER'S POLICIES AND PROCEDURES, WHILE PROVIDING A MEMORABLE DINING EXPERIENCE TO THE GUESTS.”

 

 

 

I need your services and assistant. I am looking for a job in California. I am ready to relocate for opportunities. I have just graduated from my MBA program and need to find a job as soon as possible. My resume is enclosed and I want to be your client.

 

My assistant politely declines.

 

 

A sad note: Since this part of the web site went into operation the number of thoroughly entertaining resume bloopers has decreased precipitously.  It appears that people are moved to proofread when they see how funny others’ slips can be. If, therefore, you should receive any egregiously funny pieces, please don’t hesitate to send them to us, and we will add them. Without names, please. .